Oscar Preview

Gervais: He's like to thank the Academy... 

First Ricky Gervais brought us The Office. Then, he stirred things up at the Golden Globes--and god bless him for both of those things; the world is certainly a better place because of them.


The Academy didn't invite Gervais to host the Oscars on Sunday, but that didn't stop him from writing a hilarious script, anyway. Will the actual hosts (Anne Hathaway and James Franco) use it? Probably not. But I sure wish they would. 


But no need to despair: Gervais shared the script on his blog. Meanwhile, a friend of mine has been hired to write for the Oscars (like those actors could write that banter themselves?!), and I assure you that he's half as funny as Gervais, which is about 10x as funny as I'll ever be. With that in mind, I think we're in for a good show, no matter whose script Hathaway and Franco use.

Here's a sample of Gervais' suggested scripted banter:


JF: Thank you. I'm James Franco.

AH: ...and I'm Anne Hathaway.

JF: You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him. 

AH: And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too...



To read more, click here to visit his blog.

Looking For Trouble?

Disney has bought a social network aimed at kids.


It's called Togetherville, but they might as well call it "To Catch A Predator: The Online Edition."


"Togetherville is meant for children aged 6 to 10 and allows them to interact with the children of their parents' friends on Facebook," reports the Huffington Post.


I have no idea how they'll weed out the kiddie diddlers and potential perverts, but I wish them good luck. 

Memorial Day Hangover

Forget the pool parties; THIS is what I'm looking forward to this Memorial Day Weekend...

Mother's Milk... On Ice

Gross. A ice cream shop in London, Icecreamists, is about to launch a new flavor of frozen goodness. They call it "Baby Gaga" and, like the pop star it's named after, it's like no other. It's made from human breast milk.

The delicacy will be flavored using Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest, and the shop will sell single servings of home-churned delight for £23.

No word on cup (or cone) sizes, but at that price, here's hoping the portions are, ahem, voluptuous.

Unsurprisingly, this new product has attracted a lot of attention. The BBC, Reuters and the Huffington Post have all covered it. 


"What could be more natural than fresh, free-range mother's milk in an ice cream?," said Victoria Hiley, who is one of the 15 women who answered an online ad, and agreed to sell her boobs' bounty.


Thanks, Hiley, but I think I'm going to stick with Häagen-Dazs.

Finally, a Reason to Get Cable

Source: wingazette.com

I haven't had cable TV for more than a year now. Heck, I didn't even have a TV until I literally stumbled upon one back in October. Still, I watch all my TV—and my "all my TV," I mean "episodes of The Office"—online, via Hulu. I kind of miss some shows, but I don't really have time for TV. (And thanks to the internet, I can always dig up a recent episode of whatever show I'm missing in .25 seconds online, if I really want to.) Meanwhile, I get my cable news fix at the gym almost every day.

However, the recent announcement that Swiss Chalet has its own channel might force me to reconsider my stance on cable television. The restaurant chain is about to launch a 24-hour chicken channel. And it's going to be all rotisserie, all the time.

"The Rotisserie Channel will feature two rows of chickens roasting in an open-flame oven," CBC news reports.

I don't even eat chicken, but I feel I need to see this for myself. Sadly, it's only going to be available for Rogers cable subscribers in Ontario, Canada, for 13 mouthwatering weeks.

This Cat Means Business

This cat never sleeps. He's kind of like the Chuck Norris of feline business. And yes, there's more where that came from.

Public Places, Public Photos

Here's another ditty from Flavorwire for you folks. This time, it's a collection of photographs by Swiss artist Corinne Vionnet that depict some of the world's most famous landmarks. It's a collection of hundreds of photos, actually, that, when combined, resemble dreamlike Impressionist paintings. (Think Monet, Manet, Renoir and Van Gogh, you swine. Although, yes, some consider Van Gogh Post-Impressionist...)

At any rate, Vionnet’s Photo Opportunities is well-worth checking out/clicking through. But, a proceed with caution: Viewing these photos WILL make you want to travel and see them for yourself. Consider yourself warned.

Apparently she used 200-300 photos that were shot by strangers to make each of her images. She found all of the almost-identical pictures online, then layered the lifted (presumably public domain) pics on top of each other to create 18 of her own blurry, Impressionist-like works of art.

My favorites are below, but click here to see the whole set.

If IKEA Built Stonehenge

See, this is why you should visit Flavorwire: Stonehenge building instructions, through the industrious eyes of IKEA. And this time, no Allen wrench required! Brilliant. 

Cheers to Justin Pollard & Q1 Annual for this one.

The Birthday Grinch

This is hilarious: A blogger crashed Paris Hilton's birthday party, then stole her cake. He didn't set out to steal the cake—that's what makes this so brilliant. Instead, he just took such good and full advantage of the open bar that he got wasted and, in his stupor, decided it a good idea to steal the three-tier cake.

"I woke up this morning with a $2000 birthday cake in my living room. It’s big. It’s red. It says “Paris.” And its fucking delicious," he writes.

The blogger, Paz, briefly explains how his buddy convinced him to crash the party and, once inside, how it all shook out. It seems the key to their success—in terms of crashing the party, and stealing the cake, too—was simply acting like they belonged there. (That was my strategy when I was challenged to crash a party at the Russian Embassy in Ottawa several years ago. Indeed, it worked—but sadly, there was no cake for me to eat, never mind steal.)

According to Paz's account, the party was all fine and well, until he realized no birthday cake was being served. There were multiple cakes, but no one was eating it. (Apparently Paris Hilton has her cake, but doesn't want to eat it, too.) And when Paz heard the uneaten cake would probably be tossed, he decided to take action. Click here to read the entire hilarious play-by-play.

#FF Fail

As some of you know, I compile Vegas Seven's popular Tweets of the Week column, and I'm kind of (OK, totally) obsessed with Twitter. Imagine my excitement when I heard the Las Vegas Review-Journal published a story outlining the 10 must-follow Twitter personalities in Sin City. Being the obsessive-compulsive tweeter that I am, I was immediately obsessed with the story.

Unfortunately, I thought it was crap—and failed to mention a few of the best tweeters in town. (Who? Keep reading, or skip to the bottom.)

Yes, the writer, Corey Levitan, made some solid choices. @zappos @vegascourtesan and @jayfenster have all made my column—a few times, I think—and for good reason. A few of his other picks were decent, too, although they're not necessarily at the top of my must-follow list. @danawhite and @hollymadison are high-profile Las Vegans, but that doesn't mean we should be following their every move on Twitter, too.

Still, I give Dana serious credit for speaking his mind at all times. The UFC boss has no filter, and god bless him for it. He swears, he tells people off, he's real—which is something I wish Holly would do more of. I follow her, but I find her Holly's World co-star @LauraCroft83 far more entertaining. When the two went on vacation together a few months ago, it was like following two totally different vacations: Holly was all sugarplums an lollipops (pleasant, but kind of boring), while Laura kept asking who farted and made fun of, well, everything. But maybe this just speaks to my affinity for crude jokes and toilet humor. But I digress; back to the list.

@PennJillette is also listed on the R-J's roll call, but I honestly don't see why. Levitan says "Jillette's feed ushers readers behind the Rio's magic curtain and inside the mind of an outspoken libertarian and atheist," but most of Jillette's posts—his most recent ones, at least—are status updates that fall flat. (Flying to LA for meetings and some V/O work? Zzzz!) I'd actually follow his wife @EmilyJilette before Big Poppa Penn; the Mrs. is a far better tweeter.

There were a few head-scratchers on the list. I couldn't help but wonder why @slidertruck make the cut. I love Ric and his little baby burgers, but... really? (And if he did, why didn't the other food trucks in town, such as @SloppiJos or @FukuBurger?) Meanwhile, another list-maker, @VegasDegenerate, is only mildly entertaining some of the time—maybe once for every 10 or so tweets, if that. But! **Spoiler alert!** he DID make next week's column, so perhaps his game is improving. Lastly, @GuyNSinCity and @workingthestrip are niche tweeters—for bargain hunters and job seekers, respectively—and are not worth most people's while. That said, I understand Levitan was doing his job, trying to appeal to a range of readers.

I certainly don't blame Levitan. I mean, @coreylevitan doesn't have much of a Twitter presence (he has 467 followers as of now, and his last post (Feb. 6) was little more than a link to a R-J story). And, hey, at least he didn't rank Twittergate scandalmakers Vegas Bill or 24k. Hmmm. I wonder why the R-J didn't have their web content editor, @lasvegasloopy, compile the list. She's savvy and in the Twitter know. (And she's made this week's Tweets of the Week, too.)

Again, it's unfair and far too easy for me to criticize. Heck, I actually feel Levitan's pain: Lest we forget how the very publication I once worked for named @lasvegassign as "Best Use of Twitter" in its Best of the City issue. (Laaaame!) But, in my defense, my foot was half way out the door when the issue was published in July.

Alas, I think most old media outlets (and editors and writers) still don't understand how new media works—here in Las Vegas or elsewhere. The Las Vegas Sun generally gets it, but they're a rare breed over there. (Yes, I'm totally biased; I used to work there.)

Ah, but I digress once again. This post is not meant to fling mud here or there—or anywhere, really. Instead, I wanted to give props to a few very-deserving folks who didn't make the R-J's cut for some bizarre reason, including but not limited to:

• @JockinJB (SpyOnVegas photographer Jessica Blair)
  "Just made a goodwill donation. Don't be surprised if the homeless of Vegas start to look like 90's club whores and smell of cool water..." (Feb. 8)
  

• @BrookeInVegas ("I'm entertainingly inappropriate, sprinkled with a dash of awesome")
  "Whenever you start to feel like you don’t get the recognition you deserve. Just think how Tom Cruise’s boyfriend must feel right now." (Feb. 16)

• @DustyPickle (My old boss—not that I ever truly thought of him as a "boss," per se—who used to tweet as @Wendoh but recently reconsidered his handle, and went the more non-corporate route—and for good reason)
  "Attempting to be the first guy with no shoes on at this club. These drunk chicks aren't winning the bare foot dance off. Not on my watch." (Feb. 11)
  

And, while I'm at it, here are some more Twitter personalities whom I'd suggest worth following. Not that you asked, but, let's face it, this is as close to a #FF as I get:

@DangerGuerrero, @kellyoxford, @adam_fogle, @TFLN and my very funny, long-lost friend @Aubs.

Just because they don't live in Vegas doesn't mean they're not worthy of your attention.

Cheers and happy tweeting!
@marseniuk

PS: Who did I miss? If you have a favorite Vegas Twitter personality who you consider a must-follow, give him or her a shout-out in the comments section below.

Hometown Girl, Born This Way

Shout out to 10-year-old Maria Aragon, whose cover of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" moved the modern day Madonna to tears—and prompted her to tweet about it:


CBC News says the video had been viewed about 3,100 times since being posted on Feb. 16. After Gaga posted a link Thursday morning, hits jumped to 61,000 (as of 1 p.m. EST).

"Born This Way" was unveiled to the world earlier this week, meaning Aragon mastered it in a matter of days. (Or hours, considering the time she undoubtedly had to spend away from her keyboard to attend school, etc.)

This is cool in and of itself, but it's extra cool to me, since Aragon lives in Winnipeg, a.k.a. everyone's favorite obscure Canadian city (and where I went to college). The Peg boasts two degrees of separation, and its residents are filled with a bizarre, fierce sense of civic pride—hence, my cheerleading.

Check out my sweet-singing homegirl:

Too Close For Comfort

There was a random shooting a few blocks from my condo today, at a busy intersection that I actually drove through just before the shootings started.

From the Las Vegas Sun:

... the incident began at 2:30 p.m. when police received calls reporting that a man was shooting at passersby from inside a red SUV parked on the side of Blue Diamond Road. ... The suspect was shot by police... (click here for the full story)

I drove right through the soon-to-be-scary-scene around 1:30 p.m., en route to my 2 p.m. massage (I go to Massage Envy on Blue Diamond, which is a few blocks from the I-15). After my rub-down, I unknowingly drove through the scene of the crime on my way home. I didn't see any police cars or notice anything out of the ordinary, but when I saw the story on the Las Vegas Sun website, I couldn't believe it. Yikes! Talk about hitting close to home. I consider it yet another not-so-subtle reminder that life is far more fragile than we realize... so call or e-mail the people who matter to you, if you haven't already done so recently. I know I will.

Sick of the Royal Wedding?

Are you sick of hearing about the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton? I sure am. Well! Designer Lydia Leith to the rescue! She has created barf bags for all your OMG-this-Royal-Wedding-BS-is-making-me-nauseous needs. So next time you read something about Kate's dress and throw up in your mouth again, reach for one of these babies. They work for gag-inducing chatter about the honeymoon, the menu, how pissed the Queen is about not having her way, or anything involving Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Then & Now

This is amazing: Childhood photos, recreated. Really, need I say more?

These all come courtesy of Buenos Aires-born artist Irina Werning and her "Back to the Future" project. Below are a few of my favorites, but visit Flavorpill's fab site, Flavorwire, for the full collection.

Will The Real Ann Coulter Please Shut Up?

It's no secret that I hate Ann Coulter. When it comes to people who exist simply to incite, instead of educate or add to the discussion or debate in any meaningful way, she is up there with O'Reilly and, to a lesser extent, an out-of-office/off-the-ticket (and therefore more irrelevant than ever) Palin.

I'm 99% sure that Coulter isn't as crazy as she seems. Instead, I think she's incredibly smart, and just says stupid stuff to get attention. (Kind of like Palin, but without the blind ignorance and "you betchas") Well, Ms. C has been up to her old tricks, and recently told an audience at CPAC that there should be more journalists in jail.

A woman asked Coulter, “What is more important though to American values–being friends with Israel still, or knowing there are jailed dissidents and journalists [in Egypt]?”

“What do you mean knowing that there are jailed journalists?” Coulter said. “I think there should be more jailed journalists.”

Her comments apparently generated a big ol' round of applause.

Oh, where to go from here? [Deep breath] First, will someone please shut this woman up? Thank you in advance. Now, tell me how throwing law-abiding people in jail for doing their job—in this case, covering a major revolution in the Middle East—is a crime. (Spoiler alert: It isn't!)

If those journalists do in fact belong in jail (and I don't think they do), perhaps Coulter should be thrown in with 'em. Not because she's a journalist—she's just a shit-talking head—but just because she's a pain in the ass. Then, my friends, the world would be a better place. Safer, even.

But, seriously, forget the journalists! What about the bankers and traders and mortgage lenders who nearly destroyed the country's financial system? Why aren't they doing time? Or doctors who over-prescribe pain killers? They're essentially modern, legalized drug dealers. Or the legions of asshole cops who abuse their power? Kiddie-diddling priests! The list goes on and on.

In all truth, I don't think jail is the answer for any of these people—even Ms. Coulter. But I'm trying to make a point, here.

Speaking of jail... word is O.J. Simpson was recently beaten behind bars by a bunch of skinheads. (He's serving time in Nevada for robbery and a wonky interpretation of kidnapping, not for the alleged murder of his ex-wife and/or her lover.) The Juice was reportedly hospitalized for three weeks after the beating—yikes. And, in other jailbird news, Vince Neil began his two-week sentence this morning, after pleading guilty to D.U.I last month. (He got two weeks, despite it being his not first offense, and having drank, drove and killed a person before.) I saw him at N9NE Steakhouse last night, where he joked about his imminent "vacation," saying it wasn't a big deal. He's been in jail before, so I guess he'd know. Let's hope he fares better than O.J.

All The Single Ladies (and Guys)

Seriously, folks. It's no big deal.

(To peruse more highlights of the SomeECards collection, click here, or go here to send this one.)

FOD Does Palin

We're half way through the WaPo-induced month-long media boycott of Sarah Palin, and man! What a glorious month it has been. (Thank you, Dana Milbank and friends.)
Sure, US Weekly recently ran a fake Palin story chock-full of fake quotes from an apparent appearance on Hannity that didn't happen (whoops!), but, for the most part, it's been a quiet few weeks.
Palin previously said that she would not shut up or sit down, but was happy that the boycott meant she wouldn't be blamed for the chaos in Egypt. Siiiiigh. Aside from the Kardashian klan, I don't think we've seen such self-centered media whoring since Octomom. But I digress. And I admit, I've wondered how Palin's been handling the publicity blackout and cold turkey treatment. Well, as it turns out, the far-more-brilliant brains at Funny Or Die have been wondering the same thing, too.
You have to check out the FOD luminaries' theories in this searing parody, starring Gina Gershon as the one and only P-Money. It's yet another slam dunk for the site, which had already secured a place in my heart (and funny people heaven) with previously released nuggets of hilarity such as Mother Lover, On A Boat and Like A Boss. Enjoy.

Sarah Palin Media Addict from Gina Gershon

Don't Forget to Tip Your Server

Forget the upsell (no, I don't want to add a side of mushrooms, or a skewer of shrimp) or inflating the tab with lots of booze. If you want a hefty, all you have to do is be creative. I personally appreciate equal opportunity, bi-coastal pleas such as this.

Just Say No To Bell

I know most of my readers live in the U.S., but this is important. And I say this not just because I grew up in Canada, a.k.a. America's Funky Hat.

See, Canada is a vast and very regulated place. Our banks were so regulated, in fact, that they couldn't pull the wool like the American banks got away with (read: sub-prime mortgages) and there is no foreclosure crisis as a result. See! Regulation can be good!

However, the agency in charge of regulating telecommunications in the Great White North, the CRTC, is out to lunch. They're in charge of all the phone, radio, TV and Internet, and recently made a big, big mistake.

They told Bell Canada (think Verizon or Comcast; they're a phone, cable, Internet provider for the masses) they could start billing for Internet by usage—inother words, they gave them the green light to stop offering unlimited Internet to customers.

Imagine having to monitor and ration your Internet usage, like you would a cell phone if you had a shitty plan. And no, Bell made no indication that they'd offer free evenings or weekends.

Consumers who use services like Netflix were about to be especially screwed, since downloading movies (or music or anything else)—especially in HD—would suddenly cost a lot more. Netflix's CEO, Reed Hastings, weighed in, voicing his concerns, and an online petition quickly attracted hundreds of thousands of signatures.

Under the CRTC's decision, Bell also planned to apply Usage Based Billing (or UBB) to their sub-contractors (the little, independent ISPs who sell Internet access to customers, too)—at the same price, less 15% that they would charge regular consumers. Could you run a profitable business if the maximum profit you could make was 15% of every sale? I think not.

Thankfully, the Canadian government, which oversees the CRTC, stepped in. MP Tony Clement announced last night—via Twitter, no less—that Bell would have to "go back to the drawing board."

Clement, who serves as Minister of Industry, demanded CRTC reverse its decision. If it doesn't comply, Clement says the federal Cabinet will step in.

"It's a huge issue for a country that wants to move forward on the internet for jobs, for creativity, for innovation," he told the CBC. "[We] felt the CRTC ruling would have a huge impact on consumers and would hurt small businesses, would hurt innovators and creators."

So that, the entire country—and Internet advocates everywhere—can breathe a big sigh of relief. Phew!

Money Can't Buy Happiness... or Silence. But it CAN Buy Friends and a Lot of Cocaine

Poor Charlie Sheen.

The embattled actor has been through the wringer lately. His most recent marriage, like the one before it, is now in shambles, he's in rehab, and his show, Two and a Half Men, is on hiatus.

The actor made headlines a few weeks back when he was spotted drinking and partying in Las Vegas. At the Palms. With a bunch of porn stars.

Sheen, of course, is no stranger to scandal. He's cheated, he's struggled with addictions... he's a walking, talking mess most of the time. Still, this latest schmozzle has me feeling sorry for him.

Apparently he has no friends anymore, and has to pay mediocre-looking bimbos to party with him. Take, for example, porn starlet/aspiring scam artist Kacey Jordan.

Apparently Sheen paid her $30 grand to party with him ("memo: sexual favors rendered?") at the Palms that weekend. Afterward, the money-hungry tartlet spun the entire encounter for even more moolah: Somehow, TMZ managed to show up at the very Bank of America ATM Jordan went to to cash the $30,000 check Sheen had given her—in fact TMZ was there, ready and waiting at the exact moment Jordan arrived. And she was caught wearing a colorful sun dress with heels that afternoon, too. What a funny coincidence that must have been!!

The serendipitous meeting was so perfect, in fact, that TMZ has a special photo gallery of the whole thing. The title? "Tracey Jordan Gets Paid." Yes, I'm sure she does. She probably gets paid for every hit and click-through to the TMZ site, too.

Cha-ching! No wonder she's smiling.

Apparently Jordan wanted CASH, but the ATM would only give her $8k in bills at a time, so she'll have to go back for another trip or two (perhaps to an actual bank this time, instead of a dingy ATM) to get the remaining $22,000 in cash. Still, she managed to walk away with the $8,000 fanned out in front of her, for all to see. Because, again, that's what normal people do! Who hasn't walked away from an ATM counting their thousands of dollars of cash, displaying the notes for all to see?

Now, a normal-ish person would just deposit the original check and be done with it, but clearly, Jordan is not your a normal person. She's a porn actress, and a smart one at that! Smart enough to know she could sell another day's worth of photo ops and get another day of press if she had to go back and do it all over again, at least.

Yes, folks. This is what we've come to. Porn stars cashing checks that coked out actors gave them for lord only knows what... this is NEWS.

Watch for ever-enterprising Ms. Jordan on the cover of your favorite grocery store tabloid sometime soon, alongside a bright yellow headline that reads, "MY NIGHT WITH CHARLIE SHEEN!" -- a bullet list of subtitles screaming "Cocaine!" "Porn Stars" "Sex" etc.

Now, all of this check-cashing business leads me to ask yet another question: Who wants to walk around with $30,000 cash in their pocket? Never mind that! Who NEEDS $30,000 in bills—in other words, what is said person going to buy with that kind of cash? Hmmm! Let me guess! Is it white and rhyme with the word "propane?" Sigh again. Alas, I digress.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on Jordan. Clearly, she is a savvy businesswoman. Meanwhile, another of Sheen's poorly hand-picked (and well-paid) partiers, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, cashed in on Sheen's partying at the Palms, too. She told (read: sold her story to) Radar Online about the mountains of cocaine that were brought to Sheen's suite. She also was careful to say she had nothing to do with it. (Riiiiight. Just like she had nothing to do with the break-up of Sandra Bullock's marriage to legendary dirtbag Jesse James, huh? Although, let's face it, Sandy had it coming. Oh! But I digress again...) Here's a link to the Radar Online story, in which Bimbo McGee claims snowball-sized balls of coke worth a total of $20,000 were brought to Sheen's hotel room... while she was busy reading Bible stories between rounds of Yahtzee, apparently.

Whatever.

That Sheen sure knows how to pick 'em.

I wonder how many days it'll take before his rehab nurse starts live tweeting?

The Internet is Down?!

OK, so I'm 99% sure this wasn't the reaction in Egypt last week when the government shut down the embattled nation's networks, but I'm 99% sure this IS what'd happen if the net went out in most North American households containing children ages 14-18. (And in basements inhabited by grown men who still live at home ages 18-36).