Too Close For Comfort

There was a random shooting a few blocks from my condo today, at a busy intersection that I actually drove through just before the shootings started.

From the Las Vegas Sun:

... the incident began at 2:30 p.m. when police received calls reporting that a man was shooting at passersby from inside a red SUV parked on the side of Blue Diamond Road. ... The suspect was shot by police... (click here for the full story)

I drove right through the soon-to-be-scary-scene around 1:30 p.m., en route to my 2 p.m. massage (I go to Massage Envy on Blue Diamond, which is a few blocks from the I-15). After my rub-down, I unknowingly drove through the scene of the crime on my way home. I didn't see any police cars or notice anything out of the ordinary, but when I saw the story on the Las Vegas Sun website, I couldn't believe it. Yikes! Talk about hitting close to home. I consider it yet another not-so-subtle reminder that life is far more fragile than we realize... so call or e-mail the people who matter to you, if you haven't already done so recently. I know I will.

Sick of the Royal Wedding?

Are you sick of hearing about the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton? I sure am. Well! Designer Lydia Leith to the rescue! She has created barf bags for all your OMG-this-Royal-Wedding-BS-is-making-me-nauseous needs. So next time you read something about Kate's dress and throw up in your mouth again, reach for one of these babies. They work for gag-inducing chatter about the honeymoon, the menu, how pissed the Queen is about not having her way, or anything involving Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Then & Now

This is amazing: Childhood photos, recreated. Really, need I say more?

These all come courtesy of Buenos Aires-born artist Irina Werning and her "Back to the Future" project. Below are a few of my favorites, but visit Flavorpill's fab site, Flavorwire, for the full collection.

Will The Real Ann Coulter Please Shut Up?

It's no secret that I hate Ann Coulter. When it comes to people who exist simply to incite, instead of educate or add to the discussion or debate in any meaningful way, she is up there with O'Reilly and, to a lesser extent, an out-of-office/off-the-ticket (and therefore more irrelevant than ever) Palin.

I'm 99% sure that Coulter isn't as crazy as she seems. Instead, I think she's incredibly smart, and just says stupid stuff to get attention. (Kind of like Palin, but without the blind ignorance and "you betchas") Well, Ms. C has been up to her old tricks, and recently told an audience at CPAC that there should be more journalists in jail.

A woman asked Coulter, “What is more important though to American values–being friends with Israel still, or knowing there are jailed dissidents and journalists [in Egypt]?”

“What do you mean knowing that there are jailed journalists?” Coulter said. “I think there should be more jailed journalists.”

Her comments apparently generated a big ol' round of applause.

Oh, where to go from here? [Deep breath] First, will someone please shut this woman up? Thank you in advance. Now, tell me how throwing law-abiding people in jail for doing their job—in this case, covering a major revolution in the Middle East—is a crime. (Spoiler alert: It isn't!)

If those journalists do in fact belong in jail (and I don't think they do), perhaps Coulter should be thrown in with 'em. Not because she's a journalist—she's just a shit-talking head—but just because she's a pain in the ass. Then, my friends, the world would be a better place. Safer, even.

But, seriously, forget the journalists! What about the bankers and traders and mortgage lenders who nearly destroyed the country's financial system? Why aren't they doing time? Or doctors who over-prescribe pain killers? They're essentially modern, legalized drug dealers. Or the legions of asshole cops who abuse their power? Kiddie-diddling priests! The list goes on and on.

In all truth, I don't think jail is the answer for any of these people—even Ms. Coulter. But I'm trying to make a point, here.

Speaking of jail... word is O.J. Simpson was recently beaten behind bars by a bunch of skinheads. (He's serving time in Nevada for robbery and a wonky interpretation of kidnapping, not for the alleged murder of his ex-wife and/or her lover.) The Juice was reportedly hospitalized for three weeks after the beating—yikes. And, in other jailbird news, Vince Neil began his two-week sentence this morning, after pleading guilty to D.U.I last month. (He got two weeks, despite it being his not first offense, and having drank, drove and killed a person before.) I saw him at N9NE Steakhouse last night, where he joked about his imminent "vacation," saying it wasn't a big deal. He's been in jail before, so I guess he'd know. Let's hope he fares better than O.J.

All The Single Ladies (and Guys)

Seriously, folks. It's no big deal.

(To peruse more highlights of the SomeECards collection, click here, or go here to send this one.)

FOD Does Palin

We're half way through the WaPo-induced month-long media boycott of Sarah Palin, and man! What a glorious month it has been. (Thank you, Dana Milbank and friends.)
Sure, US Weekly recently ran a fake Palin story chock-full of fake quotes from an apparent appearance on Hannity that didn't happen (whoops!), but, for the most part, it's been a quiet few weeks.
Palin previously said that she would not shut up or sit down, but was happy that the boycott meant she wouldn't be blamed for the chaos in Egypt. Siiiiigh. Aside from the Kardashian klan, I don't think we've seen such self-centered media whoring since Octomom. But I digress. And I admit, I've wondered how Palin's been handling the publicity blackout and cold turkey treatment. Well, as it turns out, the far-more-brilliant brains at Funny Or Die have been wondering the same thing, too.
You have to check out the FOD luminaries' theories in this searing parody, starring Gina Gershon as the one and only P-Money. It's yet another slam dunk for the site, which had already secured a place in my heart (and funny people heaven) with previously released nuggets of hilarity such as Mother Lover, On A Boat and Like A Boss. Enjoy.

Sarah Palin Media Addict from Gina Gershon

Don't Forget to Tip Your Server

Forget the upsell (no, I don't want to add a side of mushrooms, or a skewer of shrimp) or inflating the tab with lots of booze. If you want a hefty, all you have to do is be creative. I personally appreciate equal opportunity, bi-coastal pleas such as this.

Just Say No To Bell

I know most of my readers live in the U.S., but this is important. And I say this not just because I grew up in Canada, a.k.a. America's Funky Hat.

See, Canada is a vast and very regulated place. Our banks were so regulated, in fact, that they couldn't pull the wool like the American banks got away with (read: sub-prime mortgages) and there is no foreclosure crisis as a result. See! Regulation can be good!

However, the agency in charge of regulating telecommunications in the Great White North, the CRTC, is out to lunch. They're in charge of all the phone, radio, TV and Internet, and recently made a big, big mistake.

They told Bell Canada (think Verizon or Comcast; they're a phone, cable, Internet provider for the masses) they could start billing for Internet by usage—inother words, they gave them the green light to stop offering unlimited Internet to customers.

Imagine having to monitor and ration your Internet usage, like you would a cell phone if you had a shitty plan. And no, Bell made no indication that they'd offer free evenings or weekends.

Consumers who use services like Netflix were about to be especially screwed, since downloading movies (or music or anything else)—especially in HD—would suddenly cost a lot more. Netflix's CEO, Reed Hastings, weighed in, voicing his concerns, and an online petition quickly attracted hundreds of thousands of signatures.

Under the CRTC's decision, Bell also planned to apply Usage Based Billing (or UBB) to their sub-contractors (the little, independent ISPs who sell Internet access to customers, too)—at the same price, less 15% that they would charge regular consumers. Could you run a profitable business if the maximum profit you could make was 15% of every sale? I think not.

Thankfully, the Canadian government, which oversees the CRTC, stepped in. MP Tony Clement announced last night—via Twitter, no less—that Bell would have to "go back to the drawing board."

Clement, who serves as Minister of Industry, demanded CRTC reverse its decision. If it doesn't comply, Clement says the federal Cabinet will step in.

"It's a huge issue for a country that wants to move forward on the internet for jobs, for creativity, for innovation," he told the CBC. "[We] felt the CRTC ruling would have a huge impact on consumers and would hurt small businesses, would hurt innovators and creators."

So that, the entire country—and Internet advocates everywhere—can breathe a big sigh of relief. Phew!

Money Can't Buy Happiness... or Silence. But it CAN Buy Friends and a Lot of Cocaine

Poor Charlie Sheen.

The embattled actor has been through the wringer lately. His most recent marriage, like the one before it, is now in shambles, he's in rehab, and his show, Two and a Half Men, is on hiatus.

The actor made headlines a few weeks back when he was spotted drinking and partying in Las Vegas. At the Palms. With a bunch of porn stars.

Sheen, of course, is no stranger to scandal. He's cheated, he's struggled with addictions... he's a walking, talking mess most of the time. Still, this latest schmozzle has me feeling sorry for him.

Apparently he has no friends anymore, and has to pay mediocre-looking bimbos to party with him. Take, for example, porn starlet/aspiring scam artist Kacey Jordan.

Apparently Sheen paid her $30 grand to party with him ("memo: sexual favors rendered?") at the Palms that weekend. Afterward, the money-hungry tartlet spun the entire encounter for even more moolah: Somehow, TMZ managed to show up at the very Bank of America ATM Jordan went to to cash the $30,000 check Sheen had given her—in fact TMZ was there, ready and waiting at the exact moment Jordan arrived. And she was caught wearing a colorful sun dress with heels that afternoon, too. What a funny coincidence that must have been!!

The serendipitous meeting was so perfect, in fact, that TMZ has a special photo gallery of the whole thing. The title? "Tracey Jordan Gets Paid." Yes, I'm sure she does. She probably gets paid for every hit and click-through to the TMZ site, too.

Cha-ching! No wonder she's smiling.

Apparently Jordan wanted CASH, but the ATM would only give her $8k in bills at a time, so she'll have to go back for another trip or two (perhaps to an actual bank this time, instead of a dingy ATM) to get the remaining $22,000 in cash. Still, she managed to walk away with the $8,000 fanned out in front of her, for all to see. Because, again, that's what normal people do! Who hasn't walked away from an ATM counting their thousands of dollars of cash, displaying the notes for all to see?

Now, a normal-ish person would just deposit the original check and be done with it, but clearly, Jordan is not your a normal person. She's a porn actress, and a smart one at that! Smart enough to know she could sell another day's worth of photo ops and get another day of press if she had to go back and do it all over again, at least.

Yes, folks. This is what we've come to. Porn stars cashing checks that coked out actors gave them for lord only knows what... this is NEWS.

Watch for ever-enterprising Ms. Jordan on the cover of your favorite grocery store tabloid sometime soon, alongside a bright yellow headline that reads, "MY NIGHT WITH CHARLIE SHEEN!" -- a bullet list of subtitles screaming "Cocaine!" "Porn Stars" "Sex" etc.

Now, all of this check-cashing business leads me to ask yet another question: Who wants to walk around with $30,000 cash in their pocket? Never mind that! Who NEEDS $30,000 in bills—in other words, what is said person going to buy with that kind of cash? Hmmm! Let me guess! Is it white and rhyme with the word "propane?" Sigh again. Alas, I digress.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so hard on Jordan. Clearly, she is a savvy businesswoman. Meanwhile, another of Sheen's poorly hand-picked (and well-paid) partiers, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, cashed in on Sheen's partying at the Palms, too. She told (read: sold her story to) Radar Online about the mountains of cocaine that were brought to Sheen's suite. She also was careful to say she had nothing to do with it. (Riiiiight. Just like she had nothing to do with the break-up of Sandra Bullock's marriage to legendary dirtbag Jesse James, huh? Although, let's face it, Sandy had it coming. Oh! But I digress again...) Here's a link to the Radar Online story, in which Bimbo McGee claims snowball-sized balls of coke worth a total of $20,000 were brought to Sheen's hotel room... while she was busy reading Bible stories between rounds of Yahtzee, apparently.

Whatever.

That Sheen sure knows how to pick 'em.

I wonder how many days it'll take before his rehab nurse starts live tweeting?

The Internet is Down?!

OK, so I'm 99% sure this wasn't the reaction in Egypt last week when the government shut down the embattled nation's networks, but I'm 99% sure this IS what'd happen if the net went out in most North American households containing children ages 14-18. (And in basements inhabited by grown men who still live at home ages 18-36).