Canada’s “new” government: Still new after 387 days... and counting.

Moral of the story: Never buy a car from a Tory.

If I bought a "new" car from Stephen Harper, it might have 38,700 kilometres on the odometer — not too new, if you ask me. It probably wouldn’t be all that fuel-efficient, either, but that’s besides the point (Kyoto is “socialist scheme,” remember?) and it’d probably smell like cheeseburgers.
But I digress... Since we live in a wired world (and this is appearing on a blog) I visited dictionary.com to see what the experts say ”new” really is. “Of recent origin, production, purchase, etc.; having but lately come or been brought into being: a new book,” reads the first definition.
Perhaps dictionary.com’s fourth definition (“unfamiliar or strange,”) or sixth one (“unaccustomed“) is more appropriate for the Conservatives.
I think Mr. Harper is choosing the 11th (and second-last) interpretation of the word when it comes to his government’s newness: “being the later or latest of two or more things of the same kind: the New Testament; a new edition of Shakespeare.” In this light, we could have this same new government for the rest of time, if no other party is elected.
God help us.
I also find it ironic that this definition seems to be exclusive to the great and prolific, the Bible and Shakespeare. Have the Conservatives achieved holy status? Was Othello a Tory?
It’s clear that Stephen Harper’s interpretation of “new” is not in line with the majority of Canadians. I know, I know, I, too, am shocked.
Here’s another thought: following the PM’s trusty model, my brother could sell his text books from last year as “new,” instead of “used.” This is great news! Or does it get even better? Does it mean he can return the textbooks to the college bookstore where he bought them at the beginning of the semester? I’m sure he still has the receipts, so there shouldn’t be a problem! After all, they’re still new, not used! Just ask the PM!
Do you remember the good old days, when Clinton was president and the only definition being debated was “sex?” Oh, those were the days. It opened up a lively international dialogue, spicing up dinner conversations (and bedrooms?) coast to coast. But those days are long gone, my friends.
And here we are, it’s February 2007, and we’re enduring our 55th week of newness.
Let me say it here and say it now: I am tired of my new government, no matter how old they really are.
If something is new after 387 days, that means....
- A new baby could be walking. And talking.
- You could hear he following during an episode of the Price is Right: “... A NEW CAR! This 2006 Ford Focus comes complete with 38,700 kilometres on the odometer, over a year’s worth of wear and tear, and one flat tire! Its oil needs a change and the fluids should be topped up, but you’ll be right at home behind the wheel of this broken in beauty, if the price is right... “
- you can return your new spring wardrobe in July, cash in your tank tops in September, and enjoy a winter coat for a few months before getting a full refund.
- the Liberals are still to blame for everything, apparently.